BSA 204 W15 : Worst Film Crew Beat Sheet

1. The catering budget is quite large explains the gaff, he is stuffing his face and explain that gradually he's becoming fat from it. They can't shoot because the main actor is in the loo, no one has bothered to go get him or tell him to hurry up, everyone expects someone else to do so. He has an intense and dramatic monologue to deliver and hasn't come out, the docu crew decide to take it one themselves and find him sniffing coke in the disabled bathroom. He is high as a kite and delivers his dialogue in a crazed manner. The substitute director just depressively accepts this and the AD excitedly moves on congratulating everyone for their hard work and suggesting maybe they should take a break.

2. The DOP, AD and Temp Director try to read the script which was written by the real director, but it was done by hand and the director is riddled with shingles making it quite difficult to translate.

3. The AD and Gaff want to look at the shot while DOP goes to suck himself off in the bathroom, but they can't figure out what's wrong with the camera (its off), and when they do finally get there they celebrate in an over the top manner - congratulating one another on a job well done (completely forgetting that they wanted to check the lighting).

4. Grip sees something on the lense during a shot and attempts to clean it off and DOP doesn't notice.

5. The director has to move the lights around as the Gaff and AD are pre-occupied with taking a new facebook profile picture for the DOP.

6. Grip moves tripod with extreme clumsiness and difficulty because of his weak, quivering arms.

7. The director describes how he wishes the camera was a gun sometimes because he hates the talent so much.

8. Socially inept

9. Grip gets told to not run with scissors pointing at his neck, he insists on having them there though so AD tells him to turn them around, at this he plays around with them and displays bad health and safety etiquette.

10. Method actor shows up to set actually hungover as his character is, because of this he's unable to perform.

11. DOP asserts dominance over one of the BTS cameramen by giving him a proper beating.

12. The drunk actor passes out, breaking the director, whose split personality takes over and LOVES the shot. He absolutely loves the chaos in his crazed state.

13. The crew talk and the Grip reveals he always feels in a whoozy and blurry state, its his permanent setting, explaining a lot.

14. Director is very silent and simply refuses to speak now.

15. Gaff attempts to move camera and is scolded/threatened by DOP, at which he chews his tobacco harder.

16. The soundie gets a broom instead of the boom because of the shingle infested directors poorly written instructions. The director picks up wood that feels like a camera to him, and its revealed that he's actually legally blind.

17. Gaff and DOP move tables so that they can break dance.